I Walked Down the Road Twice and Came Back Around Again
Editors' notation: This article was beginning published in print in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this article appears in our 2019 'Love Messages to Texas' collector's result.
Mutual equally cornbread, erstwhile as dirt, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agricultural past, conveying the resolute spirit and plainspoken humor of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard'due south Almanac; plenty just brand us laugh. Nosotros asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and we present as well a sample of other axioms and adages mutual to the land—a collection of sayings as big as all hell and half of Texas.
Acceptable
It'due south better than a poke in the middle with a sharp stick.
That's close enough for government piece of work.
Might too. Can't dance, never could sing, and it'due south besides moisture to plow.
I could sit down withal for that.
Y'all can't beat that with a stick.
Boastful
He can strut sitting downwards.
He'southward all chapeau and no cattle.
She's all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber-of-commerced it.
Quack
He'southward on a commencement-name basis with the lesser of the deck.
Then crooked that if he swallowed a blast he'd spit up a corkscrew.
So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he'due south coming or going.
He knows more ways to have your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Kleptomaniacal as a dog'south hind leg.
Kleptomaniacal as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More than twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.
So crooked he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She's more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He'due south slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him any farther than I tin throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
You can take that to the bank.
You can hang your chapeau on it.
Yous can bet the farm on information technology.
He'south so honest yous could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you tin await under her wing for the tin can.
Dauntless
Brave as the outset homo who ate an oyster.
Brave equally a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
He's double-backboned.
He's got more than guts than yous could hang on a contend.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a bucket of ice water.
Argumentative, Mad
She could start a fight in an empty house.
He'd argue with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a clamper under information technology.
He's the only hell his mama ever raised.
He's got his tail up.
She's in a horn-tossing mood.
She's so opposite she floats up-stream.
She'southward dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell y'all how the moo-cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama'due south apron.
If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
He's showtime cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't seize with teeth a beige.
He'south yellowish every bit mustard only without the bite.
He may not exist a chicken, merely he has his henhouse ways.
Dry
So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
Then dry out the trees are bribing the dogs.
So dry my duck don't know how to swim.
It's been dry out so long, we just got a quarter-inch of pelting during Noah's Alluvion.
So dry I'k spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Busy
He's so decorated you'd think he was twins.
They're doing a country-office business concern.
Busy as a one-legged man at an donkey-boot convention.
Decorated every bit a funeral abode fan in July.
Busy as a i-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy as a stump-tailed bull in fly season.
Busy as a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and turn the south forty before breakfast.
Got to go dorsum to my rat killing.
She's jumping similar hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting like a cadger on a hot rock.
No grass growing under her feet.
Unsophisticated
Simply fell off the turnip (watermelon, tater) truck.
He'southward then country he thinks a vii-course meal is a possum and a six-pack.
They lived so far out in the country that the dominicus gear up between their house and town.
Capable, Experienced
She's got some snap in her garters.
He's got enough of arrows in his quiver.
She's got horse sense.
He'due south got enough of notches on his gun.
She'southward a right smart windmill fixer.
He could notice a whisper in a whirlwind.
There'due south no slack in her rope.
He's a three-jump cowboy.
He can ride the rough string.
If she crows, the sun is up.
This ain't my commencement rodeo.
General Communication
Pigs get fat; hogs get slaughtered.
A worm is the only animal that can't fall down.
Never sign nothing by neon.
Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly.
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
You tin't get lard unless you eddy the hog.
If you cut your ain firewood, information technology'll warm you twice.
There's more than i way to interruption a dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
Don't hang your wash on someone else's line.
Practise God's will, whatsoever the hell it may exist.
Lick that calf once more? (Say what?)
Why shear a sus scrofa?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty fox hunts his ain hole.
Quit hollering down the pelting.
Don't rile the wagon master.
Better to keep your rima oris close and seem a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
The befouled door's open up and the mule'south trying to run. (Your fly's down.)
Don't get all het up near it.
At that place'due south a large departure between the ox and the whiffletree.
There's no tree but bears some fruit.
Skin your ain buffalo.
You better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule'south tail tin catch cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a flood.
If you lie down with dogs, you go upwardly with fleas.
A lean dog runs fast.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Celebratory
Let's shoot out the lights.
Nosotros'll paint the town and the front end porch.
Let's hallelujah the canton.
Put the trivial pot in the large pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I'll be there with bells on.
I'll clothing my Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes.
He's all gussied upwardly.
Big
Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
Fatty equally a town dog.
She's warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don't care what yous phone call him as long as you call him to supper.
And then large he looks similar he ate his brother.
Then big he has to sit down in shifts.
Big as Brewster Canton.
Big as Dallas.
Big every bit a Brahma balderdash.
She'd rather shake than rattle.
He's big plenty to bear chase with a co-operative.
He'due south all spread out like a cold supper.
Wide every bit two ax handles.
He'll swallow anything that don't swallow him first.
Inexpensive
Tight as Dick'south hatband.
Tight as a tick.
Tight as a clothesline.
Tight as a dabble string.
Tight as wallpaper.
Tight as a moisture boot.
Tight enough to heighten a blister.
Then tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll clasp a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has short artillery and deep pockets.
Crazy
He'south got a big pigsty in his screen door.
She's 1 bubble off plumb.
She'south ane brick shy of a load.
She'south ii sandwiches curt of a picnic.
He's a few pickles short of a barrel.
In that location's a light or two burned out on his cord.
He's missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch light's on simply no ane's domicile.
He's lost his vertical agree.
He'due south overdrawn at the retentiveness bank.
I hear yous clucking, only I tin can't detect your nest.
She's got as well many cobwebs in the cranium.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy as Larrabee's dogie.
Lucky
He could depict a pat paw from a stacked deck.
He always draws the all-time balderdash.
He's riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit on the debate and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In tall cotton.
Running with the large dogs.
He didn't come up to town two to a mule.
She'southward got more than she can say grace over.
And then rich they can eat fried chicken all week long.
Rich plenty to eat her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He's so broke he's busted all Ten Commandments.
Poor every bit a lizard-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw information technology out of.
So poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I still roll up into a ball when I hear a domestic dog bark.
So poor nosotros had to fertilize the sills before nosotros could heighten the windows.
Poor as sawmill rats.
He'south broke as a stick horse.
He's besides poor to pay attention.
Then poor the wolf won't even stop at their door.
Then poor their Sunday supper is fried water.
Besides poor to paint, besides proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot as Hades.
Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot every bit a depot stove.
Hot as a ii-dollar pistol.
Hot equally a billy goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summer revival.
Hot as a pot of neck basic.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a burning stump.
Hotter than blueish blazes.
Hotter than a fur glaze in Marfa.
So hot the hens are laying difficult-boiled eggs.
Cold
This is hog-killing weather.
There's only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it's downwards (afterward a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger's knee.
Cold as a frosted frog.
Common cold equally an ex-wife'southward heart.
Cold as a bandage-iron commode.
Cold equally a broker's heart.
Common cold as hell with the furnace out.
Sad
I feel lower than a gopher hole.
I feel and so low I couldn't jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow by the spoonful.
You lot look like y'all were sent for and couldn't become.
Sad plenty to bring a tear to a glass eye.
He looks like the cheese fell off his cracker.
Minor, Sparse
She'southward frying size.
He's knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd have to stand up to look a rattler in the eye.
Virtually as big as the fiddling stop of zero.
Half as big as a minute.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
Nothing between the horns and hooves only hide.
Thin as a bar's ear.
Thin as a gnat's whisker.
Thin equally store-bought thread.
Thin as Low soup.
Thin as a fiddle string.
Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.
Flat as a fritter.
Deficient-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand up twice to make a shadow.
So skinny you lot could give her a Big Red and use her as a thermometer.
And so skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He's such a liar he'd crush you senseless and tell God yous barbarous off a horse.
He was born distressing.
He'southward so low he'd steal the widow's ax.
He'd steal his mama'south egg coin.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma'south grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a dead human being's eyes.
No-account fellow.
Biting as gall.
Tough as nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough as whang.
Hateful as a mama wasp.
Friendly as a brier bush-league.
She makes a hornet await cuddly.
A she-bear in satin.
Rough as a cob.
He looks like a sheep-killing dog.
He lies like a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his own mama's fleas.
He's got horns holding up his halo.
We're not on borrowing terms.
Y'all're and so low you lot have to wait up to see hell.
He's so low y'all couldn't put a rug nether him.
He jumped on me with all 4 feet.
A real revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me like white on rice.
He can accident out the lamp and spring into bed before it gets dark.
He gets in that location in one-half less than no fourth dimension.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as small-town gossip.
Faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a house afire.
Hell-bent for leather.
Any faster and he'd catch up to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
Potent
His breath's so strong yous could hang out the washing on it.
That coffee'south so strong it'll put hair on your chest.
Coffee so strong it'll walk into your cup.
Coffee so strong it'll raise a blood blister on a boot.
He'due south and then strong he makes Samson look sensitive.
Arrival/Greetings
Expect what the cat dragged in.
Company's coming; add a cup of water to the soup.
We've howdied but nosotros haven't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Let's chaw the rag.
Departure/Good-goodbye
Let's low-cal a shuck.
Information technology's time to heat up the bricks.
It's time to put the chairs in the railroad vehicle.
It's time to swap spit and hit the road.
It's fourth dimension to put out the burn down and phone call in the dogs.
He's heading for the wagon one thousand.
Let's accident this pop stand.
That about puts the rag on the bush.
Church building is out.
That's all she wrote.
Patience
Hot will cool if greedy volition let it.
Have a tater and look.
Don't get your panties in a wad.
Launder off your war pigment.
Tired
Looks similar she's been chewed upwards, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
She looks similar chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser's bone.
I was born tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
One cycle down and the axle dragging.
I'm near almost past going.
Sick
He's got a hitch in his gitalong.
Sick as a dog passing peach pits.
All stove up.
I'thousand so sick I'd accept to get meliorate to die.
Sore as a boil.
Her hopper'southward disrepair.
Equally full of pains as an erstwhile window.
I've got the green apple nasties.
He looks similar decease warmed over.
So ill he needs two beds.
Lamentable equally a three-legged dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hide off a moo-cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He's got a ten-gallon mouth.
She speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty.
Her natural language is plumb drained.
She's got natural language enough for 10 rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to death.
He blew in on his own wind.
He's a alive dictionary.
He'due south a chin musician.
She has a bell clapper instead of a tongue.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut up like a boardinghouse pit.
Grinning like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a significant jenny.
Nervous equally a fly in the glue pot.
Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
She'southward chewing her scrap.
Caution
Yous were also difficult to enhance to have chances.
Don't dig upward more snakes than you can impale.
Whistle before you walk into a stranger's camp.
Don't plow too shut to the cotton.
A dead serpent can notwithstanding seize with teeth.
A expressionless bee can still sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Even a blind hog can detect an acorn in one case in a while.
Anytime you happen to pass my business firm, I'd sure capeesh it.
What did you exercise with the money your mama gave you lot for singing lessons?
Were y'all raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipe and fume information technology.
Even the chickens under the porch know that.
You smell like you desire to be left alone.
Get peddle your own produce.
Become cork your pistol.
If you break your leg, don't come up running to me.
Whatever greases your railroad vehicle.
Trouble
Got a big pigsty in the argue.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong railroad vehicle.
They hung the wrong horse thief.
He ripped his britches.
At that place's a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Time
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the wind.
Hollering down a well.
Vain
He broke his arm patting himself on the dorsum.
He thinks the lord's day comes upward only to hear him crow.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She's so spoiled salt couldn't save her.
She's so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Drunk/Drinking
He wasn't born, just squeezed out of a bartender's rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging drunk.
Drunk equally Cooter Dark-brown.
Drunk equally a skunk.
Don't chop any wood this evening; Daddy'south coming home with a load.
Tighter than bawl on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, knee-walking drunk.
Desolate
Looks similar hell with anybody out to lunch.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard bait.
He gave up his guitar for a harp.
He ate a bitter pill.
Unwelcome
As welcome every bit an egg-sucking domestic dog.
As welcome equally an outhouse cakewalk.
As welcome as screwworm.
Every bit welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
Every bit welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
Equally welcome as a wet shoe.
As welcome as a tornado on a trail drive.
Like shooting fish in a barrel
No hill for a stepper.
Slick equally a whistle.
Easy as pie.
Difficult
Similar trying to bag flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Easy as pissing up a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the weather or his raising.
He got caught in his own loop.
He came shut to the dollar knife.
Smart
Brilliant as a new penny.
Smart equally a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart as a whip.
Impaired
If a duck had his brain, it would fly north for the winter.
He doesn't have enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was bacon, he wouldn't even sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his dorsum pocket.
Dumb equally dirt.
Impaired as a box of rocks.
Dumb as a barrel of pilus.
Dumb as a post.
Impaired as a wagon wheel.
Dumb as a prairie domestic dog.
Dumb as a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know plenty to pound sand downwardly a rat hole.
He tin can't ride and chew at the same time.
So stupid if you put his brains in a bumblebee, it'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his olfactory organ.
He don't know which end'south up.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know aught from nil.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a kicking with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a brain, it'd die of loneliness.
So thick-headed y'all can hit him in the confront with a tire iron and he won't yell till forenoon.
He could screw up an anvil.
Beat out
He gave me the wire-castor treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch you bald-headed.
I'll whip you lot similar a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock y'all plumb into next week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He's been saucered and blowed.
He certain cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face up fixed for.
Like hugging a rose bush.
Naught to write home virtually.
That dog won't hunt.
I'd merely equally soon bite a problems.
I don't cotton to information technology.
Confused
Confused as a goat on AstroTurf.
My natural language got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn't see what I was proverb.
I can explain it to you, but I tin can't sympathise information technology for you.
He ran 'em effectually the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones's.
Immoral, Wild
They call her "radio station" considering anyone can pick her upwardly, peculiarly at night.
He's wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose as ashes in the wind.
Loose as a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her sheet for a tablecloth.
He was built-in on the wrong side of the blanket.
She's establish a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper before they said grace.
They planted their crop before they built their debate.
They're hitched just not churched.
They've got a cotton-patch license.
Meaning
She's got a bun in the oven.
She's sitting on the nest.
She's got one in the chute.
She's been storked.
Citified
Raised on concrete.
Doesn't know a bit from a barrel.
You don't live longer in the city; it just seems that way.
Noisy
Noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin can roof.
Noisy equally a restless mule in a tin can barn.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Grandpa'due south Sunday tie.
He chosen his hogs all dark. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall up a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the air current with a sackful of hammers.
So bad at farming he couldn't raise Cain.
He couldn't hitting the floor if he fell out of bed.
Handy as hip pockets on a grunter.
Worthless every bit teats on a bull.
Worthless as a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
Useless every bit ii buggies in a one-horse town.
He could spiral up a 2-motorcar funeral.
Tie a quarter to information technology and throw it away, and y'all can say you lost something.
He'southward got no more take a chance than a June bug in the chicken coop.
He's a mean solar day belatedly and a dollar brusque.
He tin't win for losing.
He's sucking hind teat.
I demand that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She'southward itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why shut the barn door afterwards the horses are out?
No more adept than an eyeless needle.
Like warming up leftover snow.
Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Like sugariness-talking the water out of the well.
Good, Happy
Sweeter than stolen dear.
Sweeter than baby'southward breath.
Sweeter than an quondam maid'due south dream.
He took to you like a grunter to persimmons.
He took to you like a fish to water.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy every bit a mollusk at high tide.
Happy equally a grunter in mud.
Safe as Granny'due south snuffbox.
Fair to middling.
Pert as a cricket.
Soft as a two-minute egg.
All wool and a yard wide.
I'm cooking on a front end burner today.
If I felt whatever amend, I'd driblet my harp plumb through the deject.
If I felt whatever improve, I'd think it was a setup.
Fat and sassy.
All sweetness and light.
This is and so expert information technology'll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine as frog fur.
Fine as dollar cotton.
Fine equally boomtown silk.
Fine as foam gravy.
The porch light is ever burning.
Long as I got a biscuit, you got half.
Altitude
Down the road a piece.
A fur piece.
Turn left by yonder.
I won't say it's far, but I had to grease the railroad vehicle twice before I striking the main road.
2 hoots and a holler away.
Lazy
He hangs out more oft than Mama's washing.
He's like a blister—he doesn't show up till the piece of work'south all washed.
Shy
Shy as a mail-order helpmate.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy as sapphires.
Dark
Equally dark as the inside of a wolf.
Dark as coffin air.
Dark as a pocket.
Night as a cow.
Dark equally a blue norther.
Dark as the devil'south riding boots.
Dark as truck-cease coffee.
Handy
Handy as sliced bread.
Handy as shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Deficient
Deficient equally hen's teeth.
Deficient every bit grass effectually a hog trough.
Scarce as pelting barrels.
Deadening (equally a knife)
Y'all could ride all the way to Big Bound on information technology and never split up a hair.
It wouldn't cut hot butter.
Yous could scratch your back with it and never draw blood.
Dull (slow)
As exciting as waiting for paint to dry.
Every bit exciting as a mashed-potato sandwich.
As much fun every bit chopping wood.
Ho-hum every bit Henry'due south bone.
Miscellaneous
Independent as a sus scrofa on water ice.
I don't know you from Adam'southward off ox.
Thick every bit the dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a farm dog.
That's two different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come hell or high water.
Lord willing and the creek don't rise.
I don't care if it harelips the governor.
Serious every bit the business organization end of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He'southward so slow he could gain weight walking.
Out like Lottie'southward eye.
Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
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